You know, I used to think that there was this point in life where you just figured things out and then it was just a matter of maintenance from there. I am coming to realize what a joke that notion is.
Last week I was actively counting down my weeks here in Rexburg. I have loved loved loved teaching. My kids are a riot. They invite me to their birthday parties, their sporting events, their dance performances. I’m even Facebook friends with some of them. They have begged me to stay and teach in the fall so their friends can take my class (and so that they can come see me in my office). The kids are not the problem. It’s Rexburg.
It’s windy and cold here and summer only decided to show up yesterday. But let me tell you, this place is tempting in the sunshine. So when my department chair came to my office Monday and offered me a full time position at BYU-I, it wasn’t as easy of a decision as I thought it would be. He told me I had a week to decide. The next day the dean of my college called me on my cell to ask me the same thing: would I stay full time for a year? Oh, and by the way, you have one hour to tell us yes or no because we have to submit your name to Salt Lake by 5.
No pressure.
There were so many variables. When my department chair initially offered me the job, I felt sick inside. I have been so lonely up here, to the point that I have driven to Utah almost every weekend since I moved here. But after sleeping on the idea of being gainfully employed for an entire year, with benefits, at a university, I wasn’t so sure.
Dad and I talked for the bulk of my hour. I finally came to the conclusion that I would ask them if they could submit my name and one other (they said they had a plan b) so that I could start the interview process without having to commit and without leaving them in a lurch if I backed out. When I called them back, they said there was no plan b anymore and that I was free to withdraw my application at any point up until I signed the contract. If I did, they wouldn’t be in any worse of a position than they are now.
So, my name is submitted and I have no idea what to do. I have my GA interview next week and then the ball is really rolling. On the one hand, it’s amazing professional experience. I would be gainfully employed, which means I would be able to afford a trip to see my DC friends, who I miss desperately, or take that trip to Harry Potter World Lea and I have been talking about forever. On the other hand, I really miss my family. I spent 7 years across the country from them, and while that was such an important experience for me, in this time of recovery I feel more than ever that I need to be near them. Especially my dad. I also would hate to leave yet another teaching credential program behind unfinished. The real rub is the ratio of unemployed, licensed teachers in Utah to available jobs. That scares me. But I don’t know if it scares me more than being snowed in up here for the winter. Or being 30 and single in Rexburg. Or being stuck in Idaho if something happens to my dad. Or missing the only year me, Tom and Brian will all live in the same state again. Or not singing with Concert Choir in the fall.
The real problem, above everything else is that this offer has validated every decision I have made this last year: leaving my job and life in DC to change careers, to move to Idaho to give this teaching thing a whirl, to fulfill my mother’s literal dying wish for me to fulfill my true potential and become a teacher. They want me. They are impressed with what they see. For the first time maybe ever, I am starting to see my true talents, my real gifts, and the difference I am making. All because I had the courage to leave Skadden and just try. It has been a hell of a year, but suddenly it seems all worth it with one job offer. But is it enough to give up the rest? Is my ego really that fragile? Perhaps. But there will be other jobs. Right? If these people can see it, then hiring boards in Utah will be able to see it. Right?
See what I mean? Complicated.
Oh, Julie, how I love you! I love that I continually learn from you even when we live in different states. One of the things I learned from my leap of faith is that sometimes those job offers (or school opportunities) really are just to validate our decision. They may not be what we are supposed to do, but they help us know that we’re on the right path. That being said, it’s always hard to know…Good luck!
i am a jerk for still not introducing you to my sis-in-law and her husband who live in rexburg. she’s awesome. and he’s a native spanish speaker. you need to meet. maybe over a jamba juice. i’ll see what i can do. whether you decide to stay or not, you need to meet.
i’ll pray that when you get your answer or make your decision, you will know that it includes all the what ifs. if that makes sense.
love you.
At least you have options. Good ones too! Good luck Jules. I look forward to seeing where life takes you. xoxo
I heard a story shared once, and was told it was by Elder Holland. He and his son were driving somewhere–and it was starting to get dark. They came to a fork in the road. The son asked which way to go, Elder Holland suggested they pray about it. They both felt they should travel down path A. So they did–only to come to a dead end. By this time, it was dark out. The son asked why they felt they should come that way, if it wasn’t the right way; it was a dead end. And Elder Holland said that sometimes, the Lord answers our prayers in a way that will make us absolutely confident when we travel path B. For them, in the dark, they now were SURE that the other way was the right way, no hesitation or wonder.
The Lord leads us in different ways–I’m confident that He is leading you. Thanks for sharing your insights. All the best!