So, I turned down the job.
One of the hardest things about my mother’s death has been the realization that one of the consequences is for me to learn how to make my own decisions and feel confident about them. I always knew how much I relied upon her for advice, but I think I always downplayed how much I needed her stamp of approval. She never tried to impose her will on me, but I always felt better when she was on board–mostly for big decisions. I think Dad has always known this, so he has sort of adopted a “confirm goodness once decision has been made” policy. So really, I was on my own yesterday. Well, not entirely, I suppose.
I drove to Ashton and back, trying to clear my head. When that didn’t work, I sat at the end of the fields in my car and listened to some soothing music, trying to sort it all out. When that didn’t work, I started writing. I was getting closer. Then I came home and felt prompted to read D&C 9. Then, one of my students who had been following the saga on Facebook sent me a conference talk about prayer. I had to smile. But through all of this, all of the thinking, talking, writing, reading, and praying, it all became clear. I knew what the right decision was. Go back to Utah, finish the program I started, and have faith that the job situation will work itself out.
Sometimes people think the faith comes in making the decision. That did take quite a bit of faith. I had to take a very deep breath before pressing “send” on the email to the department chair, dean, and VP, even though I could feel my developing ulcer melting away–a sure sign that I had made the right decision. But now the real test of faith comes. I must live with my decision–endure another year of home-hopping, borrowing money, and praying for a job. I worried initially that I had simply chosen the path of least resistance. All I have to do is read that last sentence and that particular fear melts away. No, this will take quite a bit of faith, but I think I might have it in me.
Who knew I would ever be so excited to go back to Utah? I guess miracles really do happen.
