When Dave first discovered I had PCOS, he immediately put me on metformin, a medication usually used to treat diabetics, but also helps regulate blood sugar for women like me. My world changed. I remember marveling that entire first month at how much more energy I had. I couldn’t believe that I wasn’t starving all the time or that I wasn’t falling asleep 30 minutes after eating a meal. I had energy. Dave and I weren’t having fights over food anymore. For the first time in my life, I had a healthy relationship with meal time. For most of my post-pubescent years, I could not figure out why I was so hungry ALL THE TIME. And why I struggled to stay awake after meals. And why I felt better when I didn’t eat. Suddenly, my food world made sense. I did not, in fact, have an eating disorder as many of my friends had suspected throughout the years. Just an undiagnosed hormone imbalance. I was so relieved to not have to fight the food battle day in and day out.
That discovery was about a year ago and, while I’m still grateful for how good I feel every day, the daily pill routine is just that: routine. I sometimes forget that getting my blood sugar figured out was an unexpected but welcome blessing in this whole process. Now, it turns out, we have another one.
Dave and I have had a stressful few months. After our miscarriage in July, we decided to press forward with our next round right away. We both felt really good about it and went into our 11 day ultrasound feeling really optimistic. We walked out devastated. They have overstimulated my ovaries and had to pull the plug on that month’s procedure. I had four follicles and they weren’t willing to risk us having quads. There was a lot of anger and confusion we had to work through in those next few weeks. We decided to take a break from our fertility process for a little while until we could get our feet back under us.
The break did us so much good. We just enjoyed being married again. We went on vacation. We didn’t talk about getting pregnant. We dealt with some pretty heavy stuff with Dave’s work. We took part in my sister’s trial and sorrow. It was a good choice.
When we started back on some of our drugs, it came time to take the ones I really dreaded, the ones that make me really crazy, the ones that make me wonder if I have what it takes to see this thing through. On day two of the meds, Dave came home to find me barely holding it together. After a furtive call to our doc, he called in a prescription for a very small dose of Zoloft, an antidepressant that apparently works very well for women who have a bad reaction to the progesterone. Of course I cried. One more pill, and one that was trying to counteract the crazy. I took the pill, though, and woke up the next morning a different woman.
It was a surreal experience. Not only was the crazy from the other pill gone, but the general anxiety I was dealing with each day was far, far away. I had been having panic attacks about Dave’s work situation every day we talked about it, but I found that I was able to listen with a clear mind and be a good partner instead of using my energy to keep it together.
I’m not sure I would have taken that medication under any other circumstances–I was functioning fine without it–but instead of expending a good portion of my daily energy to keep my anxiety at bay, I’m now able to use my energy for other things. I’m sleeping better. I have more energy during the day. And most importantly, it’s making this whole process a whole lot more bearable, and I think it’s making me a better partner. Hopefully it will also help me to be a better mother.
These were blessings I could have never seen coming. I am surprised to find that I am genuinely grateful for what we are going through. My life is so much better now than it was a year ago when this all started. This trial has been difficult along the way, but we are experiencing a current parting of the clouds that shows us just a few of the blessings God has in store for us. It’s one more piece of evidence that God teaches us and helps us through our trials. If we push through, something good is bound to come of it.